Addicted to Blogging

Blogging : The act of writing a blog which is short for web log. It's a user generated website written as a diary or journal. Subjects for blogging include commentary on politics or current events, recipes, or anything of interest to the 'blogger'.
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For the past few days, I have been addicted to blogging. Before, I hate the idea of writing and sharing your ideas and opinions on the Web and let other people read about it (including those you don't personally know). It seemed useless for me since I can just share my thoughts to my friends who are just near me. I can even call them up just to talk about anything that I pleased.

But now, I can fully appreciate the concept of blogging. For me, it seems like a diary where I am just talking to myself and refreshing me about the events that happened during the day. I can even share senseless topics. Well, I haven't written anything that can change this world. Haha. All I do is write about my crushes. Haha.

"Don't Know What To Do"

Don't Know What to Do
(The OST of my life for now)

I have loved you only in my mind

(I don't think I already have that feeling for him but I guess I am really going there. Despite all the shame he gave me, I still feel the same thing for him. It's even getting stronger and deeper?! Shox! He shouldn't know about this also because I'll really resign from work if he will)

But I know that there will come a time
To feel this feeling I have inside
(Hopefully! I have been praying for that earnestly but its already two months since I started including it in my prayers and I still got no answer nor a hint.)
You're a hopeless romantic is what they say
Falling in and out of love just like a play
(Waaa! Please! No?! He can't be a player! He has no right! With his looks? Dah! Kapal niya!)
Memorizing each line, I still don't know what to say
What to say...
(Haha. I've been wanting to ask him questions but it seems like my mouth is sealed whenever I'm with him. Even if its an important matter, I still can't. Weirdo!)

CHORUS
Don't know what to do whenever you are near
(Feels like I always want to run away whenever he's near. I can't be the way that I really am. Stupid me! I can't even look straight to his face. I just look at his forehead so I can make the impression that I am looking at him when we talk)
Don't know what to say, my heart is floating in tears
(I lose my composure whenever we talk. I always stutter. Feels like I'm not a communication arts graduate. Shox! Well, I falter most of the time but its a different thing when he's around.)
When you pass by I could fly
(Whenever I see him, its like my heart is beating fast. Hahaha. Maybe its because I am afraid that my friends would slip up and he will find out. Well, I have supportive friends (sarcastic tone) so I am always wary)
Ev'ry minute, ev'ry second of the day
I dream of you in the most special way
(Not really every minute nor second! Just during those times that I am alone or thinking deeply. Haha. Well, he's a nuisance because he just shows up in my mind whenever I have to concentrate. Just like now, I am writing this blog about him when I should already be preparing for work. Geez)
You're beside me all the time
All the time...

I have loved you and I always will
(Clarification: I don't love him yet.)
Call it crazy but I know someday you'll feel
This feeling I have for you inside
(Haha. I may sound over-confident but I know someday he'll feel the same way. And when that time comes, it will be a different story because I am not that overly addicted to him anymore. Well, I'm working it out by now. Hopefully, I can achieve that soon)
I'm a hopeless romantic I know I am
(Indeed!)
Memorized all the lines and here I am
Struggling for words I still don't know what to say
What to say...
(Well, I believe that prayer is the most powerful and strongest weapon. Soon, it will take effect and I am confident about it. I just need to be patient and careful for now)

(Song by Ric Segreto. Copied and pasted from http://www.lyrics007.com. )

Seeing Him with Someone Else

While watching over our booth at the Kasalang Filipino event at NCCC Mall Davao, I saw someone that I did not expect to show up. He is just someone that seems attractive to me. Well, I can still say that he's one of my crushes at work though (in denial mode?).

Around 6:30 pm on June 27, Sunday, he passed by our booth while smiling handsomely. There is no question in saying that he is handsome because he really is. With his smile, you can really say that he is very happy. One thing can only explain that: he is walking hand-in-hand with his girlfriend (I suppose).

I did not see her face. Actually, I don't care how she looks. The picture of him smiling happily keeps flashing on my mind. That alone is a wonderful scenery for me already. I don't feel any pain or bitterness while seeing him with his girl or while remembering that scene. In fact, it's a surprise for me that I have such reaction over that scene. Maybe its because I haven't seen him before with that picturesque smile which I can consider as a rare experience or that I haven't seen the face of his girl which gives me the confidence that I can still "steal" him (Haha! Dream on!).

It can also be that I haven't fully understand what I saw or he's really not that important to me. Mmmm. Well, maybe I still need to see him tomorrow to be able to understand my feelings.

June 20, 2010: I Hate This Day!

It doesn't matter to me if today is father's day and I still can't get over my father's death. I already spent 4 father's day that I didn't feel as bitter as today. But today is a different day and you can't blame me if I get irritated if I hear people saying "happy father's day".

Last week, my mom told me what are we preparing for today. I was thinking, for what? Then, she said that its my father's death anniversary. That made me sad and anxious. Its not because I forgot about this painful day but because June 20 falls on a Sunday again and people celebrate it as "father's day".

Yes, today is my father's death anniversary. 6 years ago, he was killed on a day when papa's girls like me should be hugging their fathers, giving them greeting cards, telling them "I love you", and eating with them for the dinner. 6 years ago, I wasn't able to do that because some assholes killed him before me and my sister even gave our greeting cards and told him "father's day" and "i love you".

Well, I am just thankful that nobody sent a "Happy Father's Day to Your Father" message to me today. At least, I can say that my friends are really considerate enough to know that I still dread this day and I don't celebrate this day anymore.

Yes, I'm Stupid! Are You Happy?

(This goes to the "father of my baby")

I know I have my own share of "tanga" moments and they are becoming more frequent lately. I also know that I am dumb and inarticulate at times but that does not mean that you can just slap that truth in my face. I also have shame and pride. Can't you consider it?

The more I want to please you and do things that will make you notice me, the more I feel so low about myself. It feels like all the lessons I got from my school is worthless 'cause there is this someone, which is YOU, who is more knowledgeable and intelligent than I am. The word "more" is not even applicable since I am stupid, right? I am already trying very hard in every thing that I do. With what you just did, you made me feel pathetic! Like I am just a trying-hard-idiot!

Before, I really thought I like you. But now, the more I get to know you,the more I realize that I like myself more. I don't need someone who'll look down on me with just the simple mistakes that I do. I am already sorry about what I did, you don't have to reiterate it and make me feel more stupid!

I'm just praying that I'll get over you soon. If that happens, maybe the next time you look down on me again won't be as painful as what I'm feeling now. I'm also hoping that you'll read this and realize that I'm talking about you.

Where My Mind Wanders?

"If you want to know where your heart is, notice where your mind goes when it wanders"

This is a text message that I received from a friend just recently. Since I received it, I can't stop thinking what is it really that I like or what my heart wants.

I always get contented of the things that I already have thinking that that's what God gave me. However, I am thinking of things that are entirely different and unrelated from what I have now. I keep telling other people that I love what I'm doing but, in my dreams, there's a different Stella I see. She does things that I don't do now and I can see that she is very happy. All these things are confusing me these past few days. I want to follow what my mind tells me but there are so many things that I also need to consider--my family, friends, relatives, and time. As much as I hate all these thoughts, I don't have the courage and capability to contradict them.

One of my dear friends also told me this morning that I should not settle for mediocrity. Well, this seems that the world is already telling me that I should start thinking of the future. But before that, maybe, I should learn how to be courageous enough to stand up and fight for what I really want.

(The Disturbed Me. Haha. I find this quite scary.)

Realities of Life

Though the title seems to be very serious, this is just a light-hearted blog about how friendship changes as one enters marriage.

A good friend of mine, 20 years old (I'm two years older), is already a mother of a 9-month old baby boy. Before the child reaches 1 year old, she and her partner are already preparing for the wedding. Though I am happy for her, I see a great change in the relationship that we used to have.

Lately, we have been talking about her pregnancy, plans of having a family, and nursing her baby. She is so happy as she shares these stories. It's not that I don't want to hear it but I cannot understand how she feels--her excitement and even sadness.

Could this be just because we are not experiencing the same things? or I'm just too immature to understand her?